I guess I'm going to stop being secretive on here... part of me just doesn't care anymore. Well, ok. MOST of me. I've been Lexy's "temporary long distance boyfriend" for a month and five days now (see honey, i CAN remember these things), and since then it's been one hell of a ride, the rocky parts not caused by us. Wow, only a month and five days? Heh, God, it feels like forever...
It's funny, i KNOW we just got out of other relationships, but I look back and... wow... a part of me feels like we've always been together... hard to believe it's only been a month.
Good times ahead... I promise. Lexy? I guess I told you this tonight, but baby, whenever you feel like you can't change the world, remember that you changed the whole world for me. And for that, I will always love you. Goodnight, kids. I'm going to get some sleep. packing hardcore tomorrow.
-gee
Ok, First I want it to be known that I'm nursing a hangover by drinking bloody mary's (the way it's supposed to be done) and I've been drinking since thursday....
TEN HOW'S:
How did you get one of your scars?
I punched something.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
Fuck... I REALLY don't remember. I met Nikki Sixx, then... I did something else.
How are you feeling at this moment?
you know what, I'm in a damn good mood.
Hungover, but pretty damn good
How did your night go last night?
Last night fucking rocked. Played some bass with Tommy and the boys, Rocked out some Misfits, drank with friends in pioneer square then closed an after party. This morning tells me I need to slow my roll though.
How did you do in high school?
Underachieving Punk / junkie
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
I won it in a wet t-shirt contest.
How often do you see your best friend?
To rarely, but soon he'll be my housemate and I can spike his froot loops with vodka. He'll never know.
How much money did you spend last month?
Too much, trying to get all caught up.
How old do you want to be when you get married?
I'm perfectly happy living in sin, but I'd say within the next 5 years.
How old will you be at your next birthday?
Fuckin 31
NINE WHAT'S:
Your mothers name?
Ma
What did you do last weekend?
Probably drank way too much.
What is the most important part of your life?
Lookin forward to what the next day brings
What would you rather be doing?
Sittin in my hot tub with a cup shaped like a cocoanut.
What did you last cry over?
It's been a long time since I cried. Probably a Disney movie.
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Horror punk
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Affection and passion. And pierced nipples.
What are you worried about?
Gettin bills paid and gettin my ass to Los Angeles.
What did you have for breakfast?
Ummm, monster energy drink. Or a sourdough jack, I had one of those on my way home last night / this morning at 5am.
EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
yep
Have you ever had your heartbroken?
Shattered into a million and one pieces. But I gots crazy glue.
Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I know I have. I gots crazy glue if ya need to borrow it.
Have you ever been out of the country?
Yep.
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Again, let me say I've been drinking since thursday....
This weekend alone I've done many dumb things.
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Yes, I have.
Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Yep. I miss warm beaches.... Who wants to visit me in LA? hehe
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
LoL, I don't think i've ever dated anyone older than me...
SEVEN WHO’S:
Who was the last person you saw?
Crap. I was hangin with ALOT of people last night....
Tommy, Westin, Joey, Joe, Cherai, Peter, Brittney, That one crazy chick who's name I don't remember, Sean, Sole, Melissa, Elvis....
Who was the last person you texted?
My dreambaby
Who was your first kiss?
April
Who was the last person you hungout with?
See above
Who was the last person to call you?
Grey
Who did you last hug?
Oh, crap... Um.... I think it was Cookie, the coat check girl. I could be wrong tho. I'm a hugger. She smelled good though, I remember that. Or it was Joe. He didn't smell as good.
Who is the last person who texted you?
Dreambaby
Who was the last person you said "i love you" to?
Oh, crap... either Dreambaby, Tommy, Grey .... I sent out a few drunken texts last night (sorry about that... my bad.)
SIX WHERE’S:
Where does your best friend live?
4 hours away right now, soon to be down the hall and to the left. Heh
Where did you last go?
Wow, last night where didn't I go? let's just say Pioneer square then downtown
Where do you go to school?
Not in school anymore bitches! .....tho going back soon
Where is your favorite place to be?
I'm a warm water beach guy
Where did you sleep last night?
I passed out in my clothes again.
FIVE DO’S/DOES:
Do you like someone right now?
yep. and I saw her boobies for the first time yesterday... hehe.
Do you think anyone likes you?
Uh, hello... she showed me boobs. I'm loved.
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Fuck no! I'm a rockstar ninja.
Do you know the muffin man?
So two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says to the other "is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second muffin replies "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
I love muffins.
Does the future scare you?
Fuck no, I love the fact that I can wake up with somethin to look forward to tomorrow. Actually, the present sucks, I can't wait for the future.
FOUR WHY’S:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
Cause he's gay and thinks I have a hot ass. Hehe, kidding. He's my musical soulmate, my hetero lifemate and an inspiration to me. You know how when you find the right girl or guy in your life and you want to be the best person you can be for that special someone? He's the musical equivalant of that for me. And since music is my life, it kinda makes sense. I love him in the most non gay way possible. But if i ever HAD to suck a dick.... (kidding, he couldn't afford me)
Why did you get a myspace?
I resisted as long as I possibly could. I caved. Glad I did. because of this stupid site I've met alot of people that I can't see not being in my life. It's a domino effect...
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
I vote cruelty or a potpourri habit.
Why are you doing this survey?
I'm procrastinating getting out of bed and cleaning the bathroom cieling like my landlord wants me to.
THREE IF’S:
If you could have one super power what would it be??
Fuck superpowers, I want a jetpack. See, I don't want the power to fly, I want a damn jetpack... but powers? hmm... mind control would be sick. I'd be rich. or I'd want to turn invisible. freak the hell out of people and get rich other ways then mind control. I'd have to test the fact that I was invisible before I robbed a bank tho... that would suck if i THOUGHT i was invisible but really wasn't, and then the security cameras caught everything.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
No. I love the domino effect that's happened to my life... change one event and they might not fall the same way. I'm happier now then I've ever been. I DO kinda wish I was at this point of my life 5 years ago, but hey. Better late then never.
If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring?
a boat. or a car window I could roll down if it got too hot. or smore's pop tarts and cadbury creme eggs. I fuckin love those.
TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
Not at this point in my life. I usually say "you never know what tomorrow brings", but at this point, it's HIGHLY unlikely.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Yeah, this survey was meant for girls. Um, sure.
ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now?
Fuck yeah.
- Mood:
pleased
worked at 7 - 4. got off, drove to the roommates bar to work the door for the presidential debate... they hit capacity. Cool, good for them. I stopped working that at 9pm, then drank there, drove to last supper club, drank there, ran into Sole who works the New Orleans in Pioneer square and his friend at the Central, we drank there. Kat the bartender gave me a drink called MeSoHorny... damn... So we did the pioneer square crawl. He gets rockstar treatment at New Orleans, I get rockstar treatment at the last supper, we both get rockstar treatment at the central... we were all over the place.
So Sole takes off, I'm STUPID drunk at this point, and I end up hangin with Brittany the go-go dancer and her boyfriend / fiance, Some burlesque dancer who's name I forget and her boyfriend, Lance, who's a tattoo artist in seattle, and thier friend who I think works the jerk-off booth in the lusty lady... and drinks were had by all.
Well, I spent the whole night talking about my angel. Brittney's boyfriend used to live in LA. He was born and raised in So-Cal and they go back all the time. He manages bands, so we might do some talkin soon. Brittney offered that if we were ever in seattle and my girl wanted to make some quick cash that she could go-go dance for a night at a club or somethin. Nothing dirty about it, just get all gothed up and dance wearing big ass boots. Lance the tattoo artist said for me to give my girl his myspace name and that if we did decide to live in seattle that he'd check out her work and do what he could to get her a job here. So people saw me with me ex and they saw how I was. They see me with my angel, see how happy I am and are already in love with her. That's gotta tell you something. We all exchanged myspace names and people told me to give my girl thier names too.
Then I drove home (I shouldn't have) and passed out in my clothes.
OH, and I send my guitarist two REALLY drunken texts in the peak of my drunkedness. It goes as follows... (I'll try to include spelling errors too)
"I'm drunk. And Ilve my hot girlfriend. And i love you and your hot girlfriend too, but not the same way cause that's not right. And I love my bass but the movie cabin fever sucked balls. And my ex is a cunt. Weshould be drunk together. And I don't care if it'ss gat, we need to redo shake it for (insert hot girlfriends name here). I love you# grey! Even if we never get a hot tub and coconuts."
that was text one.... next:
"Oh, and if you and your girl ever need a night out, (my girl) and i can babysit for ya. Can we all get drunk and go to disneyland and fuck with the people in costumes? And follow a family around and whenever they take pictures we can sneak into the background? That'll fuck thier shit right up"
Oh my god.... I've GOT to cut back... but not tonight, I'm going out. LoL. Spending time with the kid, running some errands and meeting up with people later. I think Joe who I bounce with at LSC and I are supposed to rip stuff apart tonight.
I wish I could text my girl more often, or call... because of her ex, I'm still a little cautious to just text her and say "sweet dreams" or "i love you" when I know she's asleep.... This sucks. I miss my girl.
- Mood:busy
- Music:Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting (The vampire song)
But Yeah, how do you write about something other than love if you're so happy and feel no biterness? I don't know... words are just comming to me. Here's one i'm workin on now... no title yet. (And it's not about my perfectly hot wonderful sexy passionate new girl).
You remind me of everything I hate about this city.
Yeah, once I was impressed but now you don't look so pretty.
It's everything about you, the look on your face,
yeah, you saved me from the flood, but you're the reason I was drowning in the first place.
I live with no regrets, chalk it up to live and learn,
Salvage what I can and smile while the rest burns
But rules and hearts were made to be broken,
And I'll just walk away leaving hurtful words unspoken
I'm getting so tired of sleeping with your ghost,
For years you played the parasite and I played the host
I've broken free, I don't need you anymore
Leave everything I gave you, the heart you once held is already spoken for.
Heh, Not done at all. Imma play with this one a bit. I gotta work tonight at LSC. Maybe I'll get lucky and have to fight someone. Oh, balls. Hehe, despite the bitterness of my lyrics, I'm actually in a good mood. I got a few lyrics (not by me) to leave you with that are really good break-up songs in my opinion - I've been stuck on a horror punk group called "Blitzkid" lately. The lead singer played with gorgeous frankenstien, which might as well just should be a Misfits tribute group featuring 2 members of the Misfits. Here's a song I've been BLASTING and singing in the car at the top of my lungs lately... Enjoy!
Blitzkid
Pretty in a Casket
Poor little Charlotte’s not so pretty anymore,
Her beauty has corroded into a corpse,
The cops don’t wanna know but maybe if they ask it,
I’ll tell em’ you looked so-
Pretty in a casket
Pretty in a casket
Baby you look so-
Pretty in a casket
Pretty in a casket
And as you walk where dead angels lie,
I hope you remember the cutting of my knife,
Nothin’ but a cheap cheap little has been,
But baby you look so-
Pretty in a casket
Pretty in a casket
Baby you look so-
Pretty in a casket
Pretty in a casket
and so the time has come to pay my respects,
I guess it’s true this time you give what you get,
You gave me nothin’ save for a lotta grief,
Now baby it’s a shame , but you mad your own life brief…
Bitch!
Poor little Charlotte’s not so pretty anymore,
Her beauty has corroded into a corpse,
The cops don’t wanna know but maybe if they ask it,
I’ll tell em’ you looked so-
Pretty in a casket
Pretty in a casket
Baby you look so-
Pretty in a casket
Pretty in a casket
Ahhh, they just don't write lovesongs like they used to. Hehe. It's funny though, I'm REALLY not bitter at all. I COULD be.. But my beautiful angel, in such short time, has repaired all the damage my ex did and then some... Thanks to you, angel, I feel again. I feel everything, and God, I feel so alive. And I smile. And for that, I thank you.
Well, Time to get dressed for work. See you soon, kids. Have a good night.
-g
- Mood:productive
(Note: I'm a lyrical perfectionist, what sounds good to me tonight might not sound good in the morning, so expect this post to be edited at a later time)
(Another note: yeah, told ya... I'm editing it the day after. Had some good ideas for changes. Here's what I came up with...)
City of Lost Angels (Comming Home)
In the city of lost angels, one found her way to me
She stitched up my wounds, She helped me to see.
She gave me her body, she gave me her soul
She gave me her heart, she gave me control
(...I don't care If the sun won't shine tomorrow...
... If you're not with me tonight....)
She sang to me without moving her lips
A passionate tune with her hands and her hips
She crashed into me like waves on the sand,
Broken shards of heaven in the palm of her hand
(... I should be sleeping...
....Instead I lay awake and dream of you)
A ring of the phone wakes me from a lonely sleep,
I smile softly when I hear you say "hello, lover" to me
"Where are you right now?" she asks sweet and slow.
"A thousand miles away and dreaming," I said, "but don't worry... I'm comming home."
Hmmm, I think that was more straight poetry than lyrics... oh well, not bad in my opinion for freestyling off the top of my head. Honestly, I like parts of it... I'll have to play with it and butcher it and cut it and paste it... oh, and work on a chorus. And music... Oh well. Oh, yeah, and that was for you, my angel. no wait, it WILL be when it's better... hehe. Everything I write is a work in progress and subject to change.
Well, I'm off to play some assassin's creed and / or go to bed. I love you, babygirl. Sweet dreams.
-g
- Mood: content
- Music:love like blood - Blitzkid
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Blitzkid - Pretty in a Casket
- Mood: loved
- Music:Metro Station - shake it (shut up, I like it)
NEWS FLASH: being a single mom is inconveniant. Deal with it or keep your legs closed. You tell her you don't want her to go do things she loves with a man she called "dad" for 6 fucking years because your new boyfriend wants to go see a movie. grow up and be a parent first.
God, I never wanna go through another breakup like this again... I wish I could have seen how ugly of a person she is a hell of alot sooner.
Get me out of here....
- Mood:
aggravated
Sorry, Homestar Runner joke as the title.
But it is the greatest day. So far at least.
YAY! she read my last entry, and I woke up this morning with a WONDERFUL good morning picture that I adored, thank you sweetie. And before I could reply to it, she called. And I haven't stop smiling since.
Okay, update on me working on boats - I called the Louisiana job today, and for the entry level position that I'd be applying for they don't pay for travel. Which means I'd have to fly to Louisiana, apply and HOPE they can interview me on the spot. THEN I'd have to wait while I get approved by 3 people and possibly come back for other interviews. It's not as quick (or cheap) of a process than I thought. SO....
there's ships doing the same thing that leave out of both Seattle AND Los Angeles all the time. Problem? They ALL either make runs to Canada, Mexico, or both, which means I need international papers in order to work those jobs. So I'll be sticking around here for at least another month while I spend alot of money and apply for certificate after certificate after certificate.... Just got the passport goin. After that I need an MMA card, then a "Z" card... Not sure what those are, but they'e about $130 each plus more if I want them expidited and rushed (I do), so here I sit, and apply, and pay, and... wait. It's FRICKIN KILLING ME! I just want out.
But good news - I'm planning to take the trip to China, which will be about 4 1/2 months and pays VERY well. Then when I get back I'll be moving to Los Angeles, and I can take the short trips that run from LA to Vancouver, Canada and back, those trips take roughly 3 to 4 weeks... and get on boats and work whenever I need money. Which kinda rocks... It's roughly 2 days in each port, and some ports are close enough to drive back home for my days off. Which means If I ever want a trip to seattle to see family when I'm living in LA I can go and get paid for it. They stop on the way up and on the way back, which is 4 days in Seattle. Speaking of family...
I called my aunt in San Diego today. Talked for a while.... She asked "what's been happening?" I told her me and my ex had broken up, she said, and i fucking quote, "YAYYYY!!!!" LoL, I had to laugh. I told her I was moving to LA and she just kept going on about how much I'd love it. Her boyfriend is a blues bassist for "smokin joe" something.... I guess big in the blues world. Anyway, she went on to tell me about connections she had which I ws welcome to use when me and my guitarist move there. She seemed a LITTLE different when I told her about the new girl... I think it was just a parental "don't jump into anything too soon" type of thing.
On the phone with Grey. He's a great artist, and he wants to trade tattoos with my girl, so she can get all the work done she wants. Talkin to Grey on the phone, and IMing my angel... Too much going on, I'll go now. Leave ya with this...
Angel
by Stabbing Westward
I believed that love was sacred
As I dove blindly into her sea
But soon that warm embrace felt more like drowning
As endless waves crashed over me
She was an insatiable black hole feeding off my mind and off my soul
I found love humiliating a sick and desperate need that drains me
God I hope I never feel again
But Ive never been loved by an angel
Ive never felt anything so pure
Ive never been loved by an angel
Until tonight when your heaven filled my world
She showed me love could lift me higher
With a kiss she repaired these broken wings
She revived my failing spirit restored my faith in everything
I have never felt I had a home even in a crowd I felt alone
Id almost given up on life I believe its all a lie
And never thought Id ever feel again
But Ive never been loved by an angel
Ive never felt anything so pure
Ive never been loved by an angel
Until tonight when your heaven filled my world
I believed in nothing but you believe in me
I thought that life was worthless but you told me Im a star
But Ive never been loved by an angel
Ive never felt anything so pure
Ive never been loved by an angel
Until tonight when your heaven filled my world
Until tonight when your heaven filled my world
(For you, my angel.)
- Mood: loved
FUCK IT!!!! Call me before school tomorrow. Text me during, I don't care, I just want to hear your voice again...
This is me having a breakdown, it's taking ALL I have not to text her now and just say "I LOVE YOU!!! Call tomorrow!"
It sucks, My ex gets her new guy, her ex gets some british chick, WHY CAN'T WE HAVE EACH OTHER?!
so, yeah... call me?
Hehe, and she said she loved me in her post....
- Mood: stressed
- Music:assasin's creed on pause
Got home after a good day with my dad... we took the vette to american music. He got me a guitar case for my bass for while I'm at sea. Which is funny... my dad hasn't done anything for me in... well, years.
My relationship with my dad goes like this.... My dad was a Navy Seal during the Vietnam war. Soon after the war ended, he became a chaplin. I guess he feels he has things to attone for like I do... I guess I never thought of that. He became an assistant pastor at a church when I was in high school. And I think he still hasn't forgiven me for ending up a junkie. See, I was 16 when I started using. Cleaned up at 18. Went into the marines, got out and relapsed at the age of 22 till the age of 24. 6 years later, I'm clean and not going back. I just don't think he's forgiven me. It's something we just don't talk about. I'll ask him why he never invites me places, and he says "you were always too busy when you were 16...." that's half my life ago, dad. We seem to be ok now... but I'm not sure how they'll take me being gone. I came back to seattle from florida because he had 2 heart attacks (or strokes... I forget). They figured out it was related to diabetes, and he's been regulating himself since. And pretty healthy from what I can see.
When you think about it, my dad and I are very similar people. We're both passionate about the same things, just he's old fasioned and I'm... not. Like politics for example... He feels vry strongly one way and I feel very strongly the other way. He bases his decisions in black and white, where I live my life in a grey area.
I just hope he and my ma will be okay with me gone. I'll miss thanksgiving and christmas... my little sister just moved to new mexico, and we're a very small family. It's just us four now. If I can I'll try to be back for them during the holidays... my ma takes the holidays pretty hard. Her dad died the day after christmas when I was 7. I really didn't understand death at that age... They told me my grandpa had passed and wasn't around anymore, like my goldfish. So I thought they flushed him down the toilet. I'd make him sandwiches and crackers... pissed my dad off cause I kept clogging the drian.
Maybe I should explain stuff here... the reason she and I aren't talking is she's my best friends ex girlfriend. They still live together for the time being, and he's asked me to respect that fact and disappear for 6 months. I really am SO close to texting him and saying "sorry, bro. Can't do it". Look, for like the first time I can remember, I physically NEED someone. Yeah, I know, me, mr. frickin independant... feelings have developed and they just don't "go away" because the situation is inappropriate. BUT if that were to happen he'd make her life a living hell, and I don't want her to have to deal with it. So what do I do? I wait. And I bitch here cause it's the only outlet I got. FUCK! I just wanna get out of here. My ex isn't helping any... she's got someone new already. Like the fact that I was replaced in less than a week was a slap in the face enough to me, NOW I gotta deal with isolation from the one who completes me, while even HER ex gets to talk to whoever... Not fucking fair! Ugh, and NORMALLY I'm a stand up guy, when I see something wrong, I confront it and put it right, but here... my hands are fucking tied. If I were there, it'd be so much easier. but I'm not. I don't want her to have to deal with him... I wish I could be the one he had to deal with. But nope. I sit here on my hands and can't do a damn thing. And it kills me. I'm fucking obsessed, I can't get her out of my mind. The harder I try, the more vivid she becomes in my head. The harder I try, the louder the echos of my memories of her voice and laughter become. I'm sinking, I'm drowning in her... and I don't give a damn. Times moving too slowly. Here's to hoping I make it one more night. Wish me luck.
some pictures for her...
thinkin of you...
- Mood: aggravated
- Music:the clash - london calling
I read her words and I cried. It hurts that I can't be there fo her. It hurts I can't tell her that everything will work out just fine. There's a hole in my chest, in my heart and in my soul. And I feel like a ghost.
- Mood:
crappy
Maybe some time with family will do me good. Oh, yeah... I need to eat soon too. I keep forgetting to do that.
- Mood:
blank - Music:Cocorosie - Werewolf
Owl City - Captains and Cruiseships
I am stuck in L.A.
Through the week and cant get away
And you're alone on the pier
In West Palm Beach on your holiday
Stormy night, reawake
the stomach ache that ive acquired
from feeling down, things look grim
and im so sick of being tired
apartment lights go dark
and its depressing but what can i do?
the midnight streets feel dead
when i am so used to driving with you
brighter lights fill the night and
bluer skys reflect in your eyes
As I inspect and analyze
All of these dreams I dont recognize
if you're still up when the ships
in the port prepare to set sail
comb the beach and put those blue flowers up in your ponytail
inside my head your voice is still resounding but what can i do?
Empty rooms feel cold when I am so used to being with you
Count the stars, watch the waves absorb the summer sun
and think of me
when you explore hidden coves and tiny island chains throughout the sea
Can you still hear my voice, when Im outside from over the phone
For what its worth, darling dear, I wish you were here Cause I feel alone
when you were home we'd sing but since you've left I dont hear anything
Though I feel so sad, I cant believe things are really that bad
Old captains and brand new cruise ships
Sailing over the briney sea
When I crashed my beloved desk job
And swim through the depris
Ill cut loose leave this mad house all for the atlantic blue
Ill stroll down your treelined driveway, and sail the ocean with you
Funny how the right song can change your mood a little bit. Thanks, Matt.
- Mood: hopeful
- Music:see above
The ex of mine who I was supposed to go out with the day before ended up comming to seattle (she's from Bainbridge Island) and we hung out... she's cool... my old lead singer's ex girlfriend.... go figure. ANYWAY, she's dating some guy she met on World of Warcraft (heh) who lives in Michigan now and I THINK he was a little uncomfortable with us hangin at first... understood, I'm hot... heh. anyway, after she talked to him about me and our relationship and how I was too stuck on someone 1,500 miles away myself to even try anything I think he was fine.
I had a great day with Diane. We started downtown at like 3pm, came back to my place and played rockband, checked out some stuff online, then went back downtown so she could catch a ferry back home. First we went to Uwajimia, an asian market up here and we ate... stuff. I had this soda that you drop some marble into that was pretty cool, and we shared strawberry mochi. In a way, Diane reminds me of my dreamgirl... they have alot of similarities. I think they'd like each other alot. I know how she feels about being so far from the one she loves... If I have enough money I'd like her and her boyfriend to join us in Japan.
That was the day pretty much with her. We just talked about our "other halfs". She thinks my situation is stupid because she and I dated (very briefly) and Jade (my old lead singer) and I are still pretty good friends. We weren't at first, but everything smoothed itself out in the end.
So I got Diane to the ferry at like 9:45 and then I hit the clubs that I work at... and drank. Now, I do admit, getting rockstar treatment IS nice. Bypassing lines to get in and waiting in line at the bar and not paying for anything... I mean, I still tip even if the bartender tells me not to. But sometimes, especially now in my life, I wish people would just stop. My boss kept bringing me drinks untill 1am, LONG after I told him I needed to start sobering up. And at my level of intoxication, I didn't say no. He told me earlier that the reason he and the other bartenders keep the shots comming is that he knows I'm going through stuff and he says I'm a "fun drunk". He knows he doesn't have t worry about me STARTING any barfights, being inappropriate with girls, geting so depressed that I start crying and rambling on... He says he likes to have and keep me there when I'm not working because he knows I got his back weather I'm on the clock or not, and if all it costs him is a couple coronas and pornstars, it's a price he'll gladly pay. He also knows that when I'm on the boats I won't be drinking at all, and that I'm not an alcaholic, he just wants me to have fun while I'm still around.
I spent most of the night on the phone... I sent out a mass text telling my good aquaintances that I find out monday when I leave for louisiana for 4 weeks, then I'll be back for 2 weeks. If my international papers are ready I'll leave for a 4 1/2 month trip to china after that. If not, I go back to louisiana for another 4 week trip till they're all ready. Jericho, a girl I used to work with at Harley-Davidson and a former KISW rock girl called and said she was happy for me. Her boyfriend was the guitarist in a band I used to be in and said that I'd do fine in LA when it was all over.... and that they might even wanna come visit / eventually move there too. She also said she wants some free tattoos from dreamgirl... hehe. God, I talk about her too much. Can't help it... I miss her. Like ALOT. Talked to Craig and Derek, who all agreed that I'm on a good path.
So I end up closing the bar and hang out with the staff untill like 3 am... at this point I shouldn't even think about driving. A waitress who lives close by said that she wanted one of the bouncers to walk he home anyway, and that if I needed a place to crash or just hang and sober up that she was fine with that. I agreed and walked her home. We played some video games and watched The trojan war (funny as hell, i LOVE that movie) untill i finally passed out on her floor. I woke up around 7:30am, made us some coffee, and we chatted a bit more before I drove home. She asked a few questions that I answered honestly and then I noticed that it's apparent how much my dreamgirl means to me... she thought it was my breakup with the ex at first, but after talking she said it was apparant that wasn't it. She said I looked lost and empty, but happy. That kinda hit the nail on the head. I AM happy... happy that a destructive relationship has come to an end, happy that I've found someone I want to be with who's good for me... But I AM lost and empty at the same time. I told her I feel like I've been separated from my guardian angel, and that i'm on my own till we can be together again. It's hard... It's like I'm in the dark but I KNOW i'm going the right direction. That still doesn't make it easy.
As I left she told me "thank you for being a gentleman". I told her I was no gentleman. I'm just taken and faithful.
Now I'm home. I'm hungover. I'm tired. I want to leave. Like now. Seriously, It'll take me 2 days to be ready to leave for louisiana. And I can't wait. It's been SO hard to not violate our no contact agreement... Every time I pick up my phone I just wanna text something like "I'm thinking of you" or "I miss you" or even "smile. no, bigger. i love you" to my angel. Every time the text sound comes out of my phone or the phone rings I rush to it immediately in hopes that it's her. I should be scared... I've never needed anyone so much in my life. An I've never felt so incomplete without someone. But I don't. It feels natural. These 176 days need to be over so that I can be whole again.
I'm supposed to get on stage with Jonny at the red line in west seattle in a few hours... I don't think I have it in me. I'll be there, I promised to. But as for singing... I don't know if I'm up to it.
So many people here want to spend time with me and make sure I have a good time before I leave. My social calendar is overbooked. Everyone wants to see me and they all cater to me... So why the hell do I feel so damn alone?
- Mood: lonely
- Music:Bad Religion - Honest Goodbye
Name: Gordie
Nickname: Gee
Birthday: Oct 28th
Age: 30
Eye Color: Green / golden brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5'6"
Nationality: Italian, Austrian, Greek
Religion: Umm... moral anarchist with christian foundation... lets just say agnostic
Single or Taken?: Very taken
Tattoos?: Spider on forearm, star on shouler, gypsy cross on wrist, chinese kanji for "chaos" on forearm, "enjoy the ride" with skulls in iron crosses on waistline
Piercings?: Tongue, Left nipple, Eyebrow.
Siblings?: One younger sister I love very much
Pets?: Just lost custody of my boa in a breakup - by choice, can't take care of him when I'm gone
Righty or Lefty?: I write right handed, do everything else left
Best Friend: Grey, Tommy, Kate
Zodiac Sign: Scorpio
How would you describe yourself?: Sarcastic, "Sweet Badass"... I'd describe myself as a total oxymoron
What is your Dream Job?: Rock Star, but I'll settle for paramedic
Do you play any instruments?: Bass Guitar, Guitar
Hobbies: Music, Motorcycle performance, Skateboard
Goals: Quote from party monster - "Money, success, fame, glamor". I could live without glamor tho.
What types of books/magazines do you read?: Guitar magazines, bike magazines, tattoo magazines, any book by F. Paul wilson,
Some of Your Favorite Stuff
Color: Grey, Red (I'm colorblind)
Sport to Play: Hockey
Sport to Watch: Hockey.
School Subject (if any): Medical
Type of Music: Yes
Place to Visit: Tokyo, Sydney, Daytona Beach
Perfume/Cologne: Kiss Him, Pi, and umm... axe.
Drink: Iced Tea
Food: Asian, American
Movie: True Romance, The Jerk, and anything that makes you question reality
TV Show: Scrubs, and now i'm hooked on "I survived a japanese gameshow"
Actor/Actress: I make fun of them alot, but i like Nick Cage, and I don't think I've seen a bad Mark Whalburg movie...
Season: Autumn
Day: It's Friday, I'm in love
Quote: "An artist paints a picture on canvas, but a musician paints his picture on silence". "If you want peace, prepare for war". "Live life by two rules: 1 Don't sweat the little shit. 2 - There's nothing but little shit"
Band: Too many! Been playing alot of Misfits, AFI, and Stabbing Westward lately.
Song: Dig up her bones by Misfits, Love Kills by the Clash, Shake it by Metro Station (shut up, it makes me smile)
Holiday: Halloween and New Year's Eve. I'll probably be on a boat for both of those this year.
Comedian: Greg Barendt (I dunno how he spells his last name), Margaret Cho, and that guy who plays the gay guy on roller skates on Reno 911
Have You Ever...
Been Drunk?: Ahem... yep
Tried Drugs?:Yeah
Smoked?: Yes
Been on a Plane?: Yeah
Seen Snow?: Yup
Kissed Someone?: Yes
Had Sex?: Yeah
If not, done anything Sexual?: Lots of stuff
Skipped School?: Yup
Been Out of the Country?: Si.
Been in a Fight?: That's my job ;)
Your Future
Do you want to get married?: Yes
Do you want to have kids?: Maybe.
Have you already picked out some names you like?: If I have any it'd be Lane Marley for a boy and London... Something for a girl.
Where do you want to live?: Someplace sunny with beaches and palm trees
What do you want your occupation to be?: Rock Star. But I'll settle for Lotto Winner.
Either/Or
Shy or Outgoing?: outgoing
Spender or Saver?: Pay bills then spend
Books or Movies?: Movies
Cats or Dogs?: Cats
Beach or Mountains?: Beach
Soda or Water?: Water
Legs or Arms?: uh.. sure!
Love
Do you believe in True Love?: Yes
What about Love at First Sight?: Kinda. I believe in attraction and chemistry at first sight
If not, why?: Love... True love is too pure to base on a glance.
Is it better to have loved and lost or to not have loved at all?: Loved and Lost.
Describe True Love in your own words: Pure and unconditional. True love makes you want to be a better person to give the person you love your best. True love overcomes any and all obstacles thrown your way. True love is focusing yourself on your partner as an individual only to make you both stronger as a couple. True love heals the wounds of the past. True love will make you forget about focsing on your own individual needs while you focus on your lovers, because you know your needs will be met by them. True love will last forever, and I firmly believe that true love is something that even deadth himself can never take away.
What is key in a romantic relationship?: Communication, Affection, Compromise. (couldn't have said it better)
Why?: Relationships need work to survive
Is Physical Love important in a relationship?: Definitely
Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder?: There's a balanceing act here... Yes it is, but humans are superficial and shallow by nature. Attraction is importaint because we'll be naturally led to what we're attracted to.
Religion
Do you believe in God?: I believe in a supreme being. Who cares what name I give him?
Why or why not?: Because I refuse to believe that I'm here by accident.
Do you have beliefs that are different from your religion?: I don't feel i HAVE a religion.
Are you more spiritual or religious?: spiritual
Is there a right religion?: No. WAY too much blood has been spilled in the name of the same God.
Friendship
Do you have a lot of friends?: No. Millions of acquaintances, 4 friends.
What is a friend?: Someone who pays your kindness back when you need it. It's a support system
What makes a good friend?: Truth, Respect, and a shared jail cell.
Do friends look after one another?: Of course
Is respect and acceptance necessary?: Yes
Is trust necessary?: Absolutely
Do you consider yourself a good friend?: Yes
Self-Evaluation
How do you cope with your anger and sadness?: A few ways. Musically, surrounding myself with people I know won't take advantage, and an occasional bar fight helps ;)
Do you get angry easily?: No, I'm usually calm like a bomb. I admit to explosive destruction now and the tho
What/Who do you hate?: I hate alot of things - immorality, infedelity, disrespect, and people who's momma never taught them manners.
Do you regret?: I live my life with as few regrets as possible and chalk things up to a learning experiance
Can you (and do you) feel guilt?: Yes
Are you a bitter person?: No, i'm sarcastic and cynical
Do you live in a real or imaginary world?: Realistic
Do you cry easily?: no, i'm a badass. we don't cry. Sure, i leak occasionally...
Where/What do you find comfort in?: Love, Music, and solitude, often "shared solitude"
Do you feel at ease with yourself?: Yes
Do you have low self-esteem?: No. I rock.
Describe yourself in one word: Oxymoronic
Would other people agree with this?: Yes
Morals
Do you have certain morals that you prize more than others?: Yes
If so, what are they?: Live. Love. Be. Believe
Why are they so important?: Without those, I have nothing.
Do you consider yourself virtuous?: Yes
If something is slightly impure, would you consider it corrupt?: No. I believe in grey areas
Is there such a thing as purity?: Purity exists, but outside of love it doesn't last. The world is a corrupt place.
Do ethics have any meaning to you?: Yes
What is the best virtue?: Honor
What is the worst vice?: Greed
Do you believe in revenge?: ... Yes. But a bigger person will let it lay. Somethings you just can't. It's circumstancial.
Do you offer advice to others?: Yes
Do you own up to your own faults?: Yes
Do you know or realize all of your faults?: Yes
Do you have difficulty apologizing and thanking people?: No
Do you help others out often?: Yes,
Do you have empathy, even for those you dislike?: Yes, for the most part.
How Do You View These Topics?
God: A moral guideline
Satan: A created opposition to morality
Heaven: A sign of Hope
Hell: Hell is what we create for ourselves.
Reincarnation: A rebirth - energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Abortion: Sometimes necessary
Homosexuality: A choice I wish was better respected.
Miracles: There's one every morning. we cal it "sunrise".
Astrology: Fascinating and true. We've evolved with the constant energies of the stars and planets pulling, why wouldn't it affect us?
War: Sometimes necessary.. The price for freedom and peace is a high one.
Death: Not the end.
The Supernatural: What we can't explain yet
Aliens: Prove they don't exist. I find it hard to believe that we're the only planet with life... the universe if freakin huge
Luck: Sometimes fortune smiles.
Karma: I firmly believe in karma
A Few Final and Random Questions
What is your favorite memory?: Memories are created every day
What clique do you consider yourself in?: My own.
What are your goals in life?: Independance, even if it's shared with the one I love
What is your greatest weakness?: Isolation in Self-reliance
What is your greatest strength?: Strength in self-reliance
Do you consider yourself a good person?: Yes.
Do you have a short intention span?: Ooh, shiny thing...
Do you live in the past or present?: Present
You re _______ to be around. (examples- a riot, gloomy, cheerful, etc.): I'm fun and real.
Do you live in reality or inside of your head?: I live in a heathy balance - live in reality, motivated by fantasy.
Final Questions
How do you feel about your answers to this test?: Well, I answered truthfully.
How do you think others will feel about your answers?: Don't care. I answered for me.
- Mood: blank
- Music:stabbing westward - you complete me
Jonny, the singer and guitarist, called me up on stage to finish singing the set cause he said he had a sore throat, but I think it was too many crown royales. They sounded good - but I gotta say you have never experianced music untill you hear accoustic covers of In da Club by fifty cent, Forgot about dre and NWA....
I sang covers with him, and one origional... Black by pearl jam, Glycerine by bush, All apologies by Nirvana... and one that almost was hard to sing... I just wanted her there with me. Lyrics as follows:
You Complete Me by Stabbing Westward
I am lost in the darkness
Between two worlds and here I'm struggling
You're the light that I've been seeking
'Cause my whole life there's been something missing
Only you can make me whole
Just one touch and you complete me
Rescue me from this black hole
That sucked me in and left my dying
You're the truth that I've been seeking
'Cause my whole life I've been lying
Only you can make me whole
Just one touch and you complete me
God I pray you find me worthy
Of the right to stand beside you
And of your truth and of your passion
Of the right to sleep beside you
Only you can make me whole
Just one touch and you complete me
I seriously don't know what's happened to me lately. I'm usually calm, collected, but I have to admit I'm so not anymore. I seriously think for the first time in my life I'm genuinely depressed. Goddamn, it sucks! Not used to it at all. Wow, I didn't even take mine and my ex's like 8 breakups this bad. And now I'm kind of an emotional mess. I've been smoking alot more lately. I've been drinking lot more - well, getting drunk more I should say. I drink occasionally, but I rarely get drunk. Lately I've just... not cared.
I know she hasn't smiled as much since we haven't talked, but I want her to hold on for me. We both need to. There's a reason for everything. and we'll make it. I just wanna hold her and tell her everything will be alright.
- Mood: depressed
- Music:i can't be me - roni bryant
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